July is the new July

Well how cute is that! No, July is not the new September or November or May, just like pink isn't the new white or something like that. I mean, right? This copy is in white. This copy is in pink. How are these colors the same???? Despite whatever Vogue or Cosmo try to tell you, they're not. So by the same deduction, it would stand to reason that July is simply... July.

What prompted this startling revelation, you ask? I just realized that today is the one year anniversary of my departure from New York. So just over a year later, next Tuesday, I'll be making my triumphant return. For all y'all in the NYC, you get ready now, y'hear?

Back in America

Spending a lazy, weekend day channel surfing a few months ago, I came across European Vacation. And for the umpteenth* time, I got sucked in. And why not? It's a classic.

*As I typed that word for the, uhhhhh, umpteenth time, I realized I have no idea what it means. I mean, I know what it means. But what is that? What a strange word! Has anyone ever wondered where it came from??**

**Ah. Here we are. A wiki yet again comes to the rescue.

What really struck a chord with me, and what I had completely forgotten from all previous viewings, were the closing credits. For although about 94 of prior 95 minutes of the movie take place in Europe, the closing credits are an unquestionable ode to America, with Network's Back in America blaring as quintessentially American images and icons are displayed on the screen.



And despite being a great song that's accompanied by an even better montage of images, this struck me as odd. Insanely odd. A movie that's 100% about a family's trip Europe, and the credits are about being back in America??!? Really? I mean, I guess I get the point. You can travel the world, see amazing places, meet new people, experience cultures that you'd otherwise never be exposed to, but in the end, there's no place like home, right? And I understand that. For home -- however you want to define it -- is great.

But. BUT. I think there's still the implication that the Griswolds found no redeeming qualities in Europe. I mean, watch that movie again. No, really, go ahead, watch it! I'll wait.

(Waiting...)

(Waiting...)

(Almost there...)

(Just about done...)

Okay, good. So what happened there? They went to Europe, they made jackasses of themselves, they slept on uncomfortable beds, they ran over a few English dudes, they ruined a beer festival, they generally had a miserable time... and all they came back with was an appreciation for each other? It was otherwise all for nothing?

Or do those credits go further, and are they possibly meant to mean more than this??? Because I think they may. As in: We rule, you suck. It's our world, you're just living in it. We're big, you're small. Just look at our big muscles, our big buildings, our big boobs, our big roads, our big signs, our big STARS AND STRIPES. America. Fuck yeah.

Seriously. Watch the video again. Then have a look at the poster for the movie.

Now, when deconstructing art of any kind, I generally like to be careful about reading too far in between the lines, because sometimes I feel like we're so intent on anointing someone as a genius that we'll find any tiny little clue to say, Yes! Look what they've done here! Brilliant!, even if the symbol or sequence of events or whatever that someone thinks they've found was never actually a conscious decision by the author/musician/painter/etc. But in this case? We're hardly reading between the lines. These are the closing freaking credits! Francis Ford Coppola began Apocalypse Now with The Doors' This is the End for a reason. And I contend that Amy Heckerling -- the director of European Vacation and a bona fide filmmaker -- also made quite the deliberate choice to end the movie this way.

I don't know. It's a bit odd, and almost disconcerting. It's as if you can point to those credits, in the context of the larger movie, and use them as Exhibit 1A for American arrogance. (With this being Exhibit 1B.)

But you know what? Despite all the misgivings I'm perceiving here, despite all the Haterade that you may think I'm showering on Heckerling, well, I still love those credits. Love them. They get me pumped. America, baby!

And even more so than that, I can relate to the "no place like home" sentiment. For after ten and a half months, come this Friday, I'm coming back to America. Albeit it's not a real coming back, as I'm only going to be there for three weeks, but still.

LA starting this Friday. August 1 to 5.

New York from August 5 to 12.

Martha's Vineyard from August 12 to 19.

LA again from August 19 to 23.

If you're in any of these locations during these dates -- hell, if you're within five hundred miles of any of these locations during these dates -- I expect to see you.

Back in America. Fuck yeah.

AK All Day Face: The turncoat

The turncoat (photo: Droid)

Yeah, I'm wearing an Australian flag hat, big whoop! What you gonna do, you wanna fight about it?

I should also note that earlier on the day that this photo was taken, somewhere down on the beach below, three of my friends -- who may or may not have consumed quite a few beverages of the alcoholic persuasion -- had to be saved by lifeguards when the riptide carried them and their kayak out to sea. Which meant that for the next few days, they may or may not have heard about it from the rest of us. Repeatedly.

Yeah, that was a good weekend.

The vitals
Title: The turncoat
Subject: AK
Face: The jubilation
Location: MacMasters Beach NSW

Bringing it full circle

Since I moved out of my parents' house in September 1999, I haven't lived in one place for any longer than two years. In fact, by my count, I've lived in 11 different places for at least three months each in five different cities, with a few more one or two month stays in various places sprinkled in for good measure.

And I hate it. No, the track record would seem to indicate otherwise, but it's true: I hate it. Really. I'm a creature of habit, a creature of simplicity. The way I see it, why should you up and move if you've found a comfortable place that you enjoy? And many of the places in which I've lived in the last decade have fit that bill. But still, I've managed to find my way into 11 places during this time, and each time I made a move, I guess I had my reasons.

Just like I have my reasons this time. Because yes, I'm moving again. Out of the amazing house in Maroubra and bringing it all full circle back to the apartment in Kensington that I stayed in when I first came to Sydney over ten months ago. For one of my friends is moving out of the apartment to travel the world, and my other three friends asked me -- nay, they begged me -- to move in. And being the great guy that I am, I obliged.

The last time I moved, you may remember I was torn between going to my current house in Maroubra and the house of some other friends in Kensington. Fortunately, in hindsight, I nailed that choice. NAILED it. For I've absolutely loved living in the palace in Maroubra for the last five months: great housemates, great house, great location. And my other friends in the house in Kensington? They got booted out of the place a month ago. Which would have left me up the proverbial creek without the proverbial paddle.

This time, when the opportunity presented itself, it also was no easy decision. Because as I said above, I love the house in Maroubra. But was this decision as difficult? No way. These are my best friends in Sydney, and that's a trump card that will overcome all. So come August 24, I come full circle, almost a year after I first came here. And I'm pumped.

AK All Day Face: The MCG

The MCG (photo: Akka)

The Melbourne Cricket Ground. The spiritual center (centre?) of Australian cricket. And Aussie Rules Football. My excitement -- as it generally is with the AK All Day Face -- is apparent.

When I wrote of my trip to Melbourne in February, the MCG held the record for hosting the largest crowd to ever watch a baseball game, during the 1956 Olympics. But no more! For when the Los Angeles Coliseum hosted the Dodgers and Red Sox in an exhibition game just over a month after this photo was taken, it broke the record by about 1,300 people. And seeing as baseball is, you know, an American sport, well, that seems right.

The vitals
Title: The MCG
Subject: AK
Face: The jubilation
Location: Melbourne VIC

Throwin' some Catholic Kleinballs

In honor of Day #1 of World Youth Day (which really should be renamed as World Youth Week):

The annoy legislation has been reversed! Upon hearing this joyous news, I immediately went out and showered pilgrims with condoms. And if this makes absolutely no sense to you, please read my last post. (Just don't want anyone to think that I'm a complete lunatic.)

Walking down the street during lunch today, I was struck by how many Americans I saw, from places such as Montana, Minnesota, Brooklyn and beautiful Elizabeth, NJ. Which got me thinking -- in the past ten months, I think that's the most Americans I've been around.

Overheard two strangers having a conversation:

- Guy with what sounded like American accent: I'm waiting to see if anyone from my country's going to walk by!

- Aussie: Oh yeah? What country's that?

- Guy with what sounded like American accent: Puerto Rico!

I had to bite my tongue on that one.

Finally, it wasn't until I saw all these Americans (and, errrrr, the independent and fully autonomous Puerto Ricans whose, uhhhhh, "country" is in no way supported by the American government) and noticed the diversity among them that I was reminded of how overwhelmingly white Australia is. It's something you notice when you first get here, but I guess I had gotten used to it. But man, this country is crazy white, yo.

Thou shalt not annoy

Catholic schoolgirls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic schoolgirls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories.
      - Banky Edwards

If Banky Edwards were not a fictional character in what may still stand as my favorite movie of all time,* he'd be hightailing it to Sydney this week. For World Youth Day starts tomorrow.** And it's going to be big. REAL big. With apparently -- and I really have trouble believing this -- more people in the city than during the 2000 Olympics.

*I find this insanely impossible to wrap my head around, but Chasing Amy is over ten years old. And right now, I'm probably about as old as Holden and Banky and co were in that movie. I mean... yikes.

**It's called World Youth Day, but it runs from Tuesday to Sunday. I don't know.

Up until I moved here, I'd never heard of World Youth Day. So for those who are equally as ignorant as I was, it's basically this huge Church-organized event that happens every two or three years during which Catholic youths from all around the world come together to, uhhhh, do whatever it is that Catholic youths do. Rebel? I'm not entirely sure.

So some half million sexually repressed youths descend on Sydney tomorrow, the Pope comes on Thursday to do a little boat-a-cade on the Harbour, and then he's gonna speak to all the kiddies on Sunday. Which, on its own, sets the stage for what should be an interesting week.

And then the Australian government decided to make matters even more interesting. For they recently passed some legislation for the week that expressly prohibits non-pilgrims (also known as, you know, the actual tax payers and citizens of Sydney) from "annoying" pilgrims. Yes, that is actual legislation. I cannot "annoy" a pilgrim. Unless I feel like spending the night in jail.

For the moment, let's blindly accept the absurd premise of this law -- that in a free society, it's illegal to annoy someone -- and get to a more basic question: What's the legislation's definition of "annoy"? Because as far as anyone can tell -- and this is what has most of us non-pilgrims (or, you know, the actual tax payers and citizens of Sydney) so confused -- there is no black and white definition. But examples such as passing out condoms to pilgrims, wearing shirts that may be deemed as offensive to pilgrims or giving freaking water to pilgrims have been bandied about, and the powers that be have judged that in each of these cases, yes, this would cause annoyance to a pilgrim and would thus subject you to said night in jail.

Top this off with massive road closures throughout the city to allow the pilgrims to wander around, a public transportation system that will most certainly be brought to its knees, and we have the makings for quite the interesting week. If only Banky could witness.