Melbourne -- there's an angle in here somewhere

I've just yet to find it.

You'd think there'd be some way I could cleverly sum up my trip in a title for this post, some way for me to approach my recap, but I'm at a loss. So simply stated, I went to Melbourne last weekend, and it was awesome. Hmmmm, maybe that's it? "Melbourne -- it was awesome!"

But that would be quite a simplistic look at the weekend. For there's no way that all 72 hours of a three-day weekend can be awesome, right? And that can certainly be said of the 72 hours I spent there last weekend. For while I had my fair share of awesomeness, some things were only kind of awesome, and others were not awesome at all. (I feel like Jeff Spicoli would be beaming with pride at these words.)

So let's try that approach.

Melbourne -- the awesome, the kind of awesome and the not so awesome

The Awesome

Weather. So this is what summer's like, eh? You know, when it comes to the Sydney vs. Melbourne, the weather debate is generally ceded to Sydney. Sydney's supposed to be the warm city, Sydney's supposed to afford you year-round opportunities to go to the beach, Sydney's supposed to leave you sunburned after every weekend. But after countless consecutive days of rain in Sydney, it took this trip to get this month's fill of Vitamin D. Honestly, what glorious, glorious weather. Thirty degrees (Celsius, that is) and sunny every day. What a novel concept.

Melbourne Cricket Ground. The most hallowed of sporting venues in Australia, this place holds over 100,000 people. And since I've started to get into cricket, Maz and I did a tour. Did you know that the biggest crowd ever to watch a baseball game was at the MCG? Yup, something like 104,000, during the 1956 Olympics. The only time that record may ever fall? Right back at the MCG, if baseball has an Opening Day there, as I've been told is a possibility.

Trams. They weren't awesome because they were more efficient than other forms of public transportation, but damn, the trams in Melbourne are cool. I've lived in two cities (Philly and Boston) with some semblance of a tram system, but that's just what they are -- a mere semblance of a tram system. Melbourne's tram system, on the other hand, just oozes with nostalgia. Just walking down the street, hearing the bells on the trams as they passed, added a very cool and unique je ne sais quoi to the whole experience. I'm really not familiar with San Francisco or Houston, so maybe their trams can match this, but I somehow doubt it.

The laneways. Much of the center of Melbourne is dominated with wide boulevards lined with chain stores. (See "The Kind of Awesome" section below for more on the chains.) But throughout the city, darting off of these boulevards, are these tiny little streets, called laneways. Generally just the width of one car, these laneways have taken up a culture unto themselves and are populated with really cool restaurants, bars and boutiques. So if I ever needed a respite from the city, all I had to do was walk down one of these laneways, stop in a coffee shop or bakery and hang out for a bit. Two awesome thumbs up.

Federation Square. Just a really cool -- I mean, awesome -- complex, right on the Yarra River. Seems like there's always something going on -- there was a sustainability festival there last weekend and an outdoor film to be shown on Sunday night -- and plenty of bars and restaurants to boot. And it's right across the street from Flinders Station, another old school feature to the city, and a really nice, big church.

Eureka Tower. Tallest residential building in the world. Highest public vantage point in the Southern Hemisphere. Fastest lifts -- ahem, elevators -- in the Southern Hemisphere. (Living in Australia for any period of time, you'll quickly learn that it's quite easy to have the biggest/tallest/fastest/etc anything in the Southern Hemisphere. It's like being Ms. Rhode Island or something.) And, obviously, a fantastic view. Needless to say: awesome.

The Kind of Awesome

Food. This could really be split among all the categories, but as a whole, it was merely okay. Which was actually a bit of a disappointment. Take Friday, for example. Breakfast at Mario's (recommended by the Wallpaper guide book -- more on this in a second) was okay, lunch at Gertrude Street Enoteca (also recommended by Wallpaper) was fantastic and dinner at some random Italian place I chanced upon was crap. Then again, the next day, the mushroom, cheese and spinach crepe that I had in the morning, the muffin that I had as a snack and the chili sausage that I had for dinner were all quite good. And in what was an absolutely shocking and bewildering find, the Ultimate Blended Mocha that I had at Coffee Bean was (obviously) outstanding.* So barring some swings and misses on Friday, maybe the food deserves better than "The Kind of Awesome" grouping after all.

*The whole asterisk thing from my last entry gave me a headache so I thought I'd abandon it, but if anything deserves a bit of a tangent, it's this. So let's recap. I was in Melbourne. And I found a Coffee Bean. To put this in proper perspective, I would have been shocked enough if I chanced upon a Coffee Bean in Melbourne, Florida. But in case any clarification is needed, this was Melbourne, Australia. Thousands and thousands of miles away from what I ever imagined was the closest Coffee Bean. Seriously, do any other Coffee Beans even exist outside of Southern California? (About two seconds of research would answer this question, but it's more fun to continue to be ignorant on the issue.) And there's one in frickin' Melbourne??!? And lest you think it was a knockoff of the real thing, believe me, it wasn't. Same menu, same logo, same taste. Unbelievable. For a good six minutes before I went in, I probably stood on the sidewalk, gaping at the storefront and wondering if I was tripping on some drugs that I had unknowingly taken the previous night.

Subway* and 7-Eleven. I have never seen more of either of any chain store in such a small area as the Subways and 7-Elevens in Melbourne.** Honestly, there'd be a Subway on one block, then a 7-Eleven on the next. And I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. I mean, yeah, they're evil corporations taking over the world... but the convenience! Anyway, exactly how pervasive were they? Take a look at the picture to the left. That's part of Federation Square, which as discussed above, is considered one of Melbourne's icons. That storefront at the bottom of what's a culturally significant building? A 7-Eleven!

*Since arriving in Australia in September, I had not eaten at a Subway. For those that know me, this is quite a development, because I love Subway. Love it. If Lonely Planet is my marijuana and maps are my heroin (if you're not following me here, check out my previous post) then Subway... my God, I don't even want to know. But for some reason, since I've been here, I've stayed away. I think that's partly because I've been trying to eat healthier, and although a typical fast food restaurant Subway is not, and they at least claim to be healthy, I've resisted. But then Thursday night at the airport happened, when I gave in and scarfed down a foot-long Italian BMT. And then Monday night happened. And now I fear that I'm on the edge and may black out, come to a month later and realize that I've eaten Subway three times a day every single. And if you don't think that could happen (or that I'd be up to the challenge, a la Super Size Me), then you don't know me.

**Possible exception here, if you wanted to count a small area within a city, would be the two Starbucks across the street from each other in Astor Place.

Booze. When Maz got back to the city on Saturday afternoon, we got right to it. Several beers at his place, several more at Federation Square (from where we made a drunk dial to a friend... at 8pm!), then a giant pitcher of Pimms and lemonade and then, ummmm... and then, ummmmm... well, that's really all I can remember. There were other drinks, yes, but things start to get a little hazy after our pitcher of Pimms at Madame Brussels. (What a great name.) So I called it a night a bit early. Meanwhile, Maz and another friend stayed out, and to my horror, I woke up at 7am to 15 missed calls from Maz. That's right, I passed out in the apartment with Maz's keys, and despite 15 calls to me and many more buzzes to the apartment, I was out cold. And Maz was shit out of luck. Oops!

Casino. Got to Maz's apartment at 11pm on Thursday night, and shortly thereafter, we headed to the casino. We sit down at a blackjack table and immediately drop $50. We move over to a three card poker table and drop $50 more. We split up for a bit and I start with another $50 on what might be the worst blackjack table ever. I really don't like to be a snob about it, but everything you might hate about blackjack, this table had. People coming and going. Dealers coming and going. And worst of all, people not knowing how to play.* So why did I stay at the table, you ask? Well, despite it all, I was winning. But honestly, I hated every second of it. And was actually pleased when I went on a mini losing streak and had an excuse to get up and walk away.

*In particular, there was one guy who was doubling down and splitting just for the sake of it. So regardless of the situation, if he had any pairs, he would always split. And the icing on the cake was when he split two sixes against the dealer's 10. I'll never forget it.

Virgin Blue. It's Thursday afternoon, and I'm in a cab heading to a client meeting. My phone rings. It's the airline I'm flying to Melbourne, Virgin Blue: "Hello sir, I'm calling to tell you that your 8:30 flight tonight has been cancelled." FUCK! My heart hits the floor. My weekend is ruined. Are there any more flights this weekend??? The rep continues: "How would you like to get on the flight scheduled before that, at 8:15?" Uhhhh, you have a flight with open seats that leaves only 15 minutes earlier? Wow, that's not so bad. But I was quite busy at work that day, so I ask what's the next scheduled flight to leave after my originally scheduled 8:30 flight. "There's an 8:45." Uhhhh, so on top of your flight with open seats that leaves only 15 minutes earlier, you have a flight with open seats that leaves only 15 minutes later? That's fantastic!* I reschedule for that and my experiences with Virgin Blue for the rest of the weekend are awesome.

*If Virgin Blue did one of those Southwest-type commercials, where they just scroll through all the flights that they have for a route (say, LA to San Fran) in a given day, the version of that commercial for the Sydney to Melbourne route** would last two minutes. Amazing.

**Dammit, really didn't want to do all these asterisks. Anyway, did you know that the Sydney to Melbourne route is the fourth most flown route in the world (851 flights per week), after Barcelona-Madrid (971 flights per week), Sao Paulo-Rio (894) and Jeju-Seoul (858)? The most flown route in the US? You'd never guess it, although it makes perfect sense when you think about it: Honolulu-Kahului (639 flights per week).

The Not So Awesome

Phaidon's Wallpaper. Ahhhh, the guide book that I had so many doubts about. Let me quote myself:

Of course, there are downsides. The amount of information is limited. That means they have to hit a home run on just about every recommendation. And of even more concern is the map situation. For the good folks at Phaidon decided that one simple map of the city, on one of their tiny spreads within the book, would be sufficient. And for me, that's a problem. Where's the detail? Does this map really include all streets? And what lies beyond the end of the page??!? What's out there??!? The uncertainty is enough to give me an anxiety attack.

Both of my perceived downsides became reality. A home run on every recommendation, they did not hit. Maybe I'm being a little too hard on the book, because it certainly did steer me in some good directions, but the limited amount of info proved to be, well, too limited. And the map... yikes. Not only was it tiny and not only did it not include many major portions of or major streets in the city, but I quickly discovered that it was situated with West at the top of the page and North to the left!!! What the hell??!?

Maybe I'm being too hard on Wallpaper. It did introduce me to some great places. And it is mind-boggling beautiful to look at. But if the second best thing you can say about a guide book is that it's mind-boggling beautiful to look at, I think that should throw up some red flags.

Drunk food. This is really a problem endemic to all of Australia. The quantity and quality of late night greasy food is appalling. And if you chance upon some pizza, don't even think about it. My God. Stick with the chips -- ahem, fries -- and be happy with them. Melbourne was no different here.

Hangover. This was on Sunday. I don't think any further explanation necessary.

All in all, a really great trip. Which, despite the guide book's failings was not surprising. For just as I said in my last post, while I had concerns about the book, I was sure I'd still have a great time. And I did. Overall, it was (in case you couldn't tell) awesome. But three days wasn't enough. So the next time I have a friend whose company is putting them up in a perfect location in Melbourne and I find super cheap tickets, I'll be back there. And you'll get to hear about all of it again, in excruciatingly long detail.