Meeting and exceeding expectations, Vol. 3

The conclusion!

SUNDAY: Bringin' It Home

Nothing easy like a Sunday morning today.* We pack up and meet up with the other boys whose apartment is, yes, a three minute walk away from Harry's. So for our healthy and nutritious breakfast, I down pie number three.** By now, they're absolutely disgusting. But so good.

*In fact, I'd argue that most Sunday mornings are note easy. Lionel's on his own there.

**For those keeping score at home, the pies were, in order: (1) The Tiger (beef pie with mashed potatoes, mashed peas and gravy), (2) Chilli Pie and (3) Bacon & Cheese Pie. I went with the Bacon & Cheese Pie on this morning because, well, that's kind of appropriate for breakfast, right?

As we all silently eat, lost in each of our hung over heads, Maz, Shorty and I head off to add up all the scores. And with only one more event to go, we find it's fairly close, with about five or six people -- including myself -- still in contention for victory. So we head back to the group, announce the subtotals and get to the final event:

9. Fumblers Lotto – The simplest of them all. We have 16 pieces of paper in a hat, all labeled with a number between 0 and 15. Everyone draws, from the person currently in last up to the leader. I get a 3. Crap. As far as contending for the title goes, that's the nail in the coffin for me.

After it's all said and done, Tom Rodgers holds on to first place and wins the Inaugural Fumblers-B Decathlon! Congrats to Tomothy for the victory, and congrats to us all for a fantastic event. For those keeping score at home, here are the final standings.

Before I move on, however, a few notes are in order:

1) Maz pleasantly shocked me by getting an actual trophy to present to the winner of the event. And there it is on the left. How cool is that??!? If I were to win that, I'd actually display it with pride. Then again, maybe that's just because I was so close to it. Maybe Tom's already tossed it in the trash. Who knows.

2) For the mathematically inclined, you may have noticed that our decathlon -- which, by definition, has ten events -- only featured nine events. We had initially planned on ten, but when someone forgot to bring their Who Wants To Be A Millionaire board game, we lost an event* and decided that instead of coming up with something else, it would be quite appropriate for a group of underachievers such as Fumblers-B to compete in a nine-event decathlon.

*In retrospect, this may have been a good thing.

3) Finally, and most disappointingly, it was determined earlier in the event that the loser would in fact not have to go into Ken's at Kensington. Which was a brutal blow to the integrity of the entire event. But enough of the boys put up a fuss that we canned the stipulation that the last place finisher go in and instead decided that if anyone finished the decathlon with under 20 points (a woeful and pitifully low number that you'd actually have to try to get under), only then would someone have to go in. And since the person in last place finished with 44 points, well, the mystery of Ken's will continue.

And with that, we split up, got into our cars and headed back to Sydney. For our weekend was over. Or so we thought...

Driving back, we spotted a car in front of us that looked a lot like one of the other guys' cars. And just as we were trying to make out if it was actually his car or not, a large dildo emerged from the passenger window, and began to wave wildly around. And we burst. Because that would unmistakably be Thumper Smith under the guidance and care of Matt Lisle.

God, I don't even know where to begin with Matt or Thumper. Let's see. I guess I can first say that Matt -- or Lisle, as we call him -- is crazy. Certifiably insane. It's seemingly his goal in life to make everyone in a ten foot radius feel uncomfortable. And he does this to great effect, which often leads to hilarity, embarrassment and terror, all rolled into one. And Thumper? Well, he's a dildo. A big, foot-long dildo that's probably a good six inches in circumference. So with your very brief knowledge of Matt, it probably comes as no surprise that he and Thumper often travel together, with the sole intention of producing awkward situations.

Anyway, there's Matt waving Thumper around, which we first thought he was doing because he knew we were driving behind him. And it was absolutely hilarious. But then we noticed that he was only waving Thumper around when his car passed someone on the sidewalk! So he wasn't doing this for us -- he was waving this dildo around at other people! Which of course made us laugh harder. After a few minutes witnessing this spectacle, we finally pulled up alongside the car, and saw Matt with Thumper in one hand and a bullhorn in the other! That's right -- not only was he waving this dildo at people, he's been yelling at people with the bullhorn! My God, he's crazy.

Of course, now that Matt knew we were seeing this as well, he had to up the ante. So he started to get all crazy for and was jerking Thumper off and even tried to toss him into our car at a red light. And this continued. For all two hours home. My God.

Yes. That was a weekend.