Throwin' some sloppy second Kleinballs

I threw my Honoré de Klein-Balzacs on Sunday and managed to completely forget to touch on a few points. So here they are, nice and sloppy... just like I know you like 'em!

"You are the most difficult person I've ever had to shop for." Those were the words uttered by the helpful (and extremely hot and buxom) employee at one of the clothing stores in the Bondi Junction mall last weekend. Which, of course, harkens back to my shopping difficulties detailed at the beginning of this post. So, yeah, no real argument from me there; she's absolutely right, and I acknowledged as much when she told me. And then, as quickly as she cheerfully showed me around the store, even as I shot down all but one of her maybe three dozen suggestions, she turned bitch on me. For the second I said, "Thanks so much for your help, but I think I'm just going to take the jeans", she went ice cold. As if the previous ten minutes (during which the thought that I actually had a chance with her absurdly crossed my mind) never happened. I felt used, and a little dirty.

Qantas' engineers are striking, forcing Australia's largest airline to cancel dozens of flights the last few days. Yet as I touched on in my recap of my Melbourne trip, there are a ridiculous amount of flights in Australia, especially between the major cities. So what kind of disruption has this strike caused customers? Hardly any; people are generally being rebooked on flights that leave within an hour of their original flight's scheduled departure time! So I ask: doesn't this defeat the whole purpose of a strike? Isn't this a huge slap in the face of the engineers, as if Qantas is saying to them, "You know what? Go on strike! We're still getting all of our customers into the air within an hour of when they were expecting to!" And honestly? These days, if the flight that I was originally booked on leaves within an hour of the scheduled departure time, I'm happy. So yeah, I'm not exactly sure what the engineers are accomplishing here.

I never realized how American peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are. I mean, I know people in some cultures find peanut butter repugnant. (Which, in and of itself, bewilders me.) But in Australia, they love peanut butter. It's probably just as prevalent here as it is in the US. And in Australia, they love jelly. It too is probably just as prevalent here as it is in the US. And in my office, the kitchen is stocked with each of these for use as spreads. But eating the two together in one sandwich? It just doesn't happen. Many an Australian have even told me that they've literally never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It boggles the mind.

The video below is awesome -- nay, it's awe-inspiring. Everything in it. From the music (my God, the music!) to the 1:54, 2:24, 2:36, 3:54 and 4:00* marks and everything in between. Then I read about this guy and his adventures on his web site. And it has inspired me to take my own special dance** worldwide. Or at least go worldwide. I need to travel more. And I will.



*I'm not going to lie. I'm not sure if it was because it was first thing in the morning when I first saw this, if it was the crescendo of the entire video and music (my God, the music!) as it ended, or if it was a little bit of homesickness. But when I saw Santa Monica Beach -- a spot that I drove by nearly every day of my life for over a decade -- it briefly got a little dusty in the room.

**Hell, it's already taken Australia by storm! Haven't seen my chicken dance yet? Get me drunk and on a dance floor, and, well, it's bound to come out. And the people? They eat it up.

AK All Day Face: The horror

The horror (photo: agklein)

Do you see the horror in those eyes? Do you see it??!? And this was simply from viewing the sign behind me. Imagine if one of the real deal had actually lumbered out onto the road, towering over my car? The horror, the horror...

The vitals
Title: The horror
Subject: AK
Face: The eye contact
Location: Mission Beach QLD

Throwin' some Honoré de Klein-Balzacs

Does the title for this post work? Too obscure? Yeah, probably. Of course, the fact that it has nothing to do with anything in the rest of the post is probably more problematic.

I'm still playing cricket. It's winter here. Clearly there's a disconnect between those two facts with, you know, cricket being played outdoors and all. Yet there I am, every fortnight (they use that word here), playing in a winter competition with my friends. But we've been fairly lucky with the weather, with most of the days being cool but generally nice. Then last weekend happened. Cold. Wind. Rain. But we played. From 10:30 to 4. Calling it "miserable" might be one of the largest understatements I've ever made. It's a start.

I'm just about over the Lakers' loss, so I think I can write about it without grinding my teeth down to dust. Although I'm not even sure what there is to say. So I'll just say that I was shocked by the amount of venom that people apparently hold for the Lakers and Kobe, most of which only seemed to come out after they were clearly out of the series. People at my freaking work were jumping on the Bandwagon of Hate.

It's been a few months in the works, but with his recent post on Tiger Woods, Joe Posnanski has officially taken the mantle as my favorite writer.* And I'd like to proclaim that he should take the same spot on your Mantle of Love, too. I will caution that if you're not a rabid fan of the Kansas City Royals (although who among us isn't??), you may want to take a pass on some of his posts. (Just a warning that he has some crazy, crazy man love for Brian Bannister.) And if you're not a baseball fan in general, well, then you can probably pass on a couple more posts as well. Not a fan of sports at all? First: how dare you. And second, yeah, you can probably pass on a couple more posts. But even if you aren't a fan of sports at all and just appreciate, you know, amazing writing, you'll still find plenty to love. Such as the brilliant post -- and that is absolutely no exaggeration; I mean that as strongly as possible -- on Tiger. Tiger Woods, y'all.

*Heck, I've already stolen his little asterisk device (he calls it a Pozterisk), which is ridiculously addicting.

The days right now, with the sun rising after 7 and setting before 5, are ridiculously short. It's insanely depressing. But with the winter solstice the other day, it's all uphill from here! Good stuff.

The toilet flusheth again

So! After establishing in The Precursor that when flushed, water in toilets in the Northern Hemisphere -- or perhaps more precisely, water in the toilet in my parents' house in the Northern Hemisphere* -- flows in a counter clockwise direction, Postcursor Numero Uno failed miserably. For in the follow-up of my extremely (un)scientific study, the water flushed neither clockwise (as I was hoping for) nor counter clockwise. No no. That would be too logical. This water flushed... straight down. Like in an airplane. But without the assistance of, you know, a massive frickin' difference in air pressure. I mean, what is that??!? That just defies any logic of physics.**

*Because really, do we actually know that this is a hemisphere issue, let alone any "issue" at all? Could it all be just a big, old wives' tale?

**Or at least the little of physics that I understand. Or can remember from Marté Paull's 12th grade physics class.

But as promised at the end of the follow-up study, I'm not going to let some little bump in the road get in the way of my pursuit of the truth. Oh no! I came Australia for all sorts of reasons, but to find out if the water in toilets really do flush in a different direction from those in the Northern Hemisphere? Okay, well that didn't crack the Top 10. But maybe Top 20. So, you know, there's that.

Therefore, here is the follow-up to my follow-up, which, well... (sigh)... just have a look:

Do we need to follow up on the follow-up of the follow-up? You better believe it.

AK All Day Face: The sneak peak

The sneak peak (photo: Snail)

Apart from the image that has graced this blog since its inception, this is the cat that I let out of the bag a little early, the one that got away. For you may remember it from the recap of my trip to Forster back in December.

December. My God. Six months ago. To think of everything that's happened since then. Just look at the innocence in those eyes. So much youthful exuberance. So much naïve innocence. So much "Just toss the damned M&M into my mouth already!" So much yet to come. But I was drunk and full on shrimp.* So, you know, whatever.

*Or prawns... I still haven't figured out how Americans ever came to know "Let's throw another shrimp on the barbie!" as an Australian phrase.**

**Ah. Wait. Wikipedia has the answer. Is there anything that site doesn't have?

Anyway, I submit this picture to you again, this time to the pantheon of AK All Day Faces.

The vitals
Title: The sneak peak
Subject: AK
Face: The eye contact
Location: Forster NSW

Exhale

I was at work on Wednesday. Yet from 11 to 2, I was merely there in person, not mentally. For during those three hours, I was in my own world, listening to Game 3 of Lakers-Celtics on the Internet. And after being severely frustrated by the Lake Show for the first two games, well, nothing really changed. Because although they won, it was pathetic. There was Kobe, there was Sasha Vujacic and... and... yeeeaaaahhh, that was it.

I'm not going to recap the game here, because (a) I didn't even watch it and (b) you could find a recap much more comprehensive than whatever I could muster in a thousand different places. But my God, what a beast. I can't take this, especially when I feel so disconnected from the whole thing. And to make matters worse, the NBA has seemingly done all it can to screw me, because all seven games of this series (if it even goes that far) have started or are scheduled to start at 11am Sydney time on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday. Not one game on a weekend for me.

So there I was for Game 3: at work, listening to the game on headphones and doing all I could to not scream out in tortured agony as Kobe carried the team to a dubious victory. Could he do this at least three more times in the next four games? Yeah, I think so. Will he, especially if the other 14 dudes on team continue to piss their pants? Not so sure about that. But you better believe that I'll be listening, constantly teetering between maintaining my composure and being on the brink of releasing an agonized scream that would elicit quite a few bewildered stares from my coworkers. Fan-frickin'-tastic!

God bless her!

It's fun having a Queen. Even if she's really just a figurehead, and not really even this country's figurehead. But for this weekend, we're celebrating the Queen's Birthday -- that is, the Queen of England ­-- by getting Monday off. (I could go into the whole commonwealth/republic explanation about Australia vis a vis England, but (a) I only superficially understand it, (b) most Australians only superficially understand it and (c) whatever the explanation is, rational thought is rarely considered. So there's really no point.)

Beyond the day off of work, there are a couple of things that I especially love about this public holiday.* First, they don't even get a day off for the Queen's birthday in England! The motherland! What's that??!? And second, June 9 is absolutely not the Queen's birthday, for the current Queen (Elizabeth II) was born on April 21, 1926! But since 1936 (at least in Australia), the "Queen's Birthday" has been celebrated on the second Monday in June. And whenever Chaz gets his shot on the throne (if that ever happens), it'll become the "King's Birthday."

*And this very much falls into the Columbus/Presidents Day school of public holidays, i.e. not the holidays that you're kinda sorta supposed to commemorate but don't, but the holidays that are just there. They have zero substance. The Fluff holidays, if you will.

None of it makes sense, but I could care less. Threeeee daaaayyyyy weekennnnndddd!

AK All Day Face: When it was warm

When it was warm (photo: Andrew Klein)

There was a time
Not long ago
One season past
When it was warm

I went to beach
The Bondi Beach
I basked in sun
When it was warm

I made the face
AK All Day
The people stared
When it was warm

Today it rains
Today there's fog
Today no sun
Not warm today

The vitals
Title: When it was warm
Subject: AK
Face: The neck crane
Location: Bondi Beach NSW

If this is what it takes...

...I'll take it.

Six years ago, the Lakers beat the Kings in an incredible Game 7 of the Western Conference and then went on to beat the Nets in the NBA Finals to cap off their Three-peat. I was in Australia.

I came back to the US. The Spurs happened in 2003, some strange experiment with Shaq, Kobe, GP and the Mailman went inexplicably wrong in 2004, everything got blown up in 2005, and the 2006 and 2007 seasons were worthless.

I came back to Australia. And now this.

Now, I'm not saying I'm the reason for this, but I'm just putting it out there. And let's also not give the Lakers the title yet. But this has been fun. Yesterday, I avoided the score all day (not that hard to do when no one else in this country cares), came home with a bottle of wine and watched the game. My neighbors must think I'm out of my mind because there were noises coming from my house. Oh yes. Strange, loud noises.

Admittedly, I haven't been following this team that closely, but from afar, up until last night, I've had a tough time convincing myself that they're capable of winning the title. Maybe it's because I'm just too used to Kobe? People call him the best player in the NBA, but I see some really good players -- Lebron, KG, Chris Paul, etc -- in the league. But after last night's performance? I guess I see that he is. And I guess the Lakers are capable of winning it all.*

*All without Andrew Bynum! All without Andrew Bynum! And I'd also like to note the crazy circumstances that have created the core of the team that we're currently seeing. The Lakers traded Shaq to the Heat for Lamar Odom, Caron Butler and Brian Grant. Lamar's been huge this year, especially in tandem with Gasol. I mean, watching those two guys play off of each other has been really fun. And how did we get Gasol? Butler was spun to the Wizards for Kwame Brown, who was later traded to the Grizzlies for -- you guessed it! -- Frank Stallone. No, wait. I mean Pau Gasol. So that Shaq trade, four years after it happened, has hugely impacted the makeup of this team. Crazy.

Would it be better if I was back in the US to enjoy this? Absolutely. Just as when Jon Lester threw his no hitter the other week, there's no one here to share my excitement with. And I love being with others who get just as excited about these things as I do. But if this -- my sacrifice of being a few time zones away from the Lakers -- is what it takes, I'll take it.