The Pom-Pom Baseball Playoff Preview

Watching the Cubs-Diamondbacks playoff game earlier today, I noticed that the Diamondbacks had distributed white pom-poms to their fans. Naturally, this infuriated me. In fact, I was so enraged that I've decided to do a baseball playoffs preview despite the fact that we're three games into the playoffs.

Now granted, this was the first baseball game I've watched in at least three weeks, so most of my thoughts and musings are based on severe biases that have lived deep within me for years, a couple of articles I've read recently and just about every baseball-related podcast on the Internets. Without further ado, a team-by-team look at the playoffs:

Arizona Diamondbacks
There's really nothing more to add here. They gave their fans pom-poms. As in the things that cheerleaders wave. Then again, this is the same team whose local paper actually published a "Guide to Baseball" spread when they first made the playoffs in 2001. Somehow, this spread inspired them to a World Series. Will history repeat itself with the pom-poms? Ummmmm, no.

California Angels
If you're going to pass out anything for your fans to wave around over their heads, it should be a monkey. Uhhhh, and Chevrolets, goat cheese pizzas and bottled water. Anything else is un-American.

Cleveland Indians
I got nothing here. But here's to hoping they beat the Yanks on the backs of two starters, two relievers, Trot Nixon and nothing else.

Colorado Rockies
It's part smoke, part mirrors, but who cares? They're steamrolling right now, and based on the last three weeks, how can anyone not pick them to go deep into the playoffs? I say World Series.

Boston Red Sox
My very unbiased pick to win the World Series. And I know it's already been beaten into the ground, but J.D. Drew ended two innings in today's game (including hitting into a double play), leaving three runners on base.

Philadelphia Phillies
If the Sox don't win the World Series, I hope it's the Phillies. Because as everyone knows, they're my fourth favorite team. But really, let's let Philly win this. For the sanity of that city, and the stability of the entire Northeast. Think that's a stretch? Well, think of it like an SAT question. Philadelphia is to Iraq as the Northeast is to the Middle East; if that one area becomes destabilized, the entire region will be thrown into chaos. Santa Claus will be universally booed, people from DC to Boston will cheer when athletes suffer potentially life-threatening injuries and most importantly, we will continue to throw batteries at J.D. Drew. We've come to a tipping point, and it's about to spill over to the rest of the I-95 corridor. This is not a joke.

Chicago Cubs
If the Sox or the Phillies don't win the World Series, I hope it's the Cubs. Although I'm not sure what Lou was thinking when he removed Zambrano after six innings and only 85 pitches. Maybe there was a legit reason (as gracious as the local pub was to turn on the game, I wasn't about to press my luck and ask them to turn on the sound), but with the way he was pitching and his rubber arm, Big Z was good for at least another two innings. Oh, and Bartman really needs a hug.

New York Yankees
If the Sox, Phillies, Cubs, Angels, Rockies, Indians or Diamondbacks don't win the World Series, ummmmm... ummmmmm... I hope it's canceled. But here's my real dilemma: I want the Yankees to resign A-Rod. For three reasons. One, it makes it that much easier to hate him and the team. Two, despite being a very good player, A-Rod's teams have never won it all, which presumably precludes the Yankees from doing so as long as he's on the roster. And three, in the years after he left his previous two teams, those teams improved by a combined 43 games. Which means that A-Rod's potential departure will markedly help the 2008 Yankees. And I really don't want that. So although he's had only four hits with no RBIs in his last 41 at bats in the playoffs, here's to hoping he has a playoff performance just mediocre enough for the Yankees to resign him, but not good enough that people actually think he can perform in October. That's a reeeaaaal fine line. I'm thinking 6-for-19 with two HRs, five RBIs, one slightly-costly error, four strikeouts (one of which ends a rally), five walks, two SBs and two GIDPs in a hard-fought ALDS that the Yankees lose in five. But he has to hit that right on the head. Better or worse either way and I'm screwed.

Honestly, I have no idea what's going to happen in the playoffs. Minus the Diamondbacks and their pom-poms, I think any of these teams could win it all. As long as that team isn't the Yankees and there's no Red Sox-Yankees ALCS, I'll be happy. Because 2003 and 2004 left me more drained than Chuck Sheen at Heidi Fleiss' place. (Heyooooooo!!!) Although even if there is Sox-Yanks III, I don't have to deal with Yankees fans anymore. And that alone might be worth being here.